“You hunt me, like a lion triumphant
you stalk me in your majesty
You repeat your testimony against me
and your anger increases
as the siege continues” (Job 10.16-17).
Hell, in its most basic sense, is the place where God is absent. Ultimately, the images and words we have cultivated over the centuries from darkness to unrelenting fire to endless pits all attempt to describe the horror and despair present when the face of the Divine has turned away.
Proposing otherwise, Job asks us to consider if being endlessly noticed within the eternal gaze of the Holy One might just be worse.
Job longs to plead his case, to present his evidence, he has no illusions about the Divine Presence. God is right there, every moment of every single day. The Holy One is not ignorant of his suffering. No, Job is convinced he is right in the center of the Divine gaze; though, he wishes he were not.
This is the Deity that strikes fear in the hearts of those who oppress the poor, steal bread from the hungry, and forget the orphan and widow. The Holy One is the roaring lion that scatters armies and sends brave generals into retreat. This is the protector of those who walk in righteousness.
And, Job says, I have come face to face with it; because, all that ferocity has been turned upon me. So, if it’s all the same to you, would you mind turning away. I think I’d rather you not be part of my life.
Imagine, preferring the absence to the presence of the Divine.
Or maybe, like me, you don’t have to imagine. Perhaps you are in that place right now. Maybe you remember wanting the same. I remember.
The details don’t matter as much as the feelings. I’d come to a point where the god I’d always known wasn’t who I’d learned he was, who I believed them to be. God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit none of them were who I’d needed in a desperate hour. And if they weren’t who they claimed to be, then I would rather go on without them.
This is where Job has come. He’s found the One he thought he knew to be someone else. And he’d very much like to plead his case and part ways. He wants to have his say and continue on alone.
But, outside of a place like Hell (and maybe not even then) there is no place we can go to be fully alone. Despite our best efforts, we can’t walk away from Love, only the illusion of it.
It took years for me to realize who I’d walked away from, to realize that I’d not given up God so much as an illusion of the Divine, a construct as different from reality than water is to stone.
Maybe that’s where this finds you: parting ways with the God you’ve known, disillusioned and disappointed. It’s frightening and heartbreaking to step out all alone. Like Job, however, you can’t bear to stay.
So, walk away. Because you may find the One who’s always been there.
Divine Companion, like the Psalmist said, there’s nowhere that you aren’t there. But, I’ll admit, I’ve sometime mistaken an illusion for your presence, an idol for your form. Help me walk away from the false so I might find you.